You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
