my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
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I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
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We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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