you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
