I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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