I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
