but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
