recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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