I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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