So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
