I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
