Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
