stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
