if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize