what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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