I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
