Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
