My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
