When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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