Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
