True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
