bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
