and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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