I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
