I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
