i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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