his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
