I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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