did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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