He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
