At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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