Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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