This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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