I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
