shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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