I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
People in love make me want to vomit
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
