My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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