just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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