I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
this is an emotional support booty call
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
