sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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