I puked a lego.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
