the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
