yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
