Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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