Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
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I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
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I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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