looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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