textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
