Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
