your parents love me but you hate me
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
