I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Randomize
