At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
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i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
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My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
third nipple confirmed
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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