p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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