I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She just used a chaser for red wine.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
